I’ll never forget the way he looked at me when I told him. Tears, streaming down his face as he tried to catch his breath. It was the most beautiful display of despair and love that I have ever seen. It was the kind of news no one wants to tell the person they care for the most in the world, but it was our reality and even though he was not here, I knew he had to know. There was no heartbeat. The tiny, beautiful creature that we had already come to love was perishing and there was nothing anyone could do but wait.The thoughts flooded my mind. The new chair we had purchased for the room that we would be lovingly transforming in preparation, the empty baby book with pages yet to be filled with the beautiful details of the beginning of life, the 8 week sonogram pictures of the most beautiful little glow worm I had ever seen. All these things would be representative of the future, the future that now existed only in the past. As I waited, I stared at a most beloved photo of my sweet baby girl. She was sleeping peacefully in the room next to me, completely unknowing of any of the details that had been and the ones to come. As I looked in to her deep, beautiful eyes, I was ever so thankful for her life, her simply being. I gazed for a long time, minutes that passed felt like an eternity and mere moments at the same time. My body began to break and what I experienced was unlike anything I have ever felt in my life. In an instant the baby was gone. The flush of my body would continue but I knew there were no longer two lives being sustained by my body. I felt helpless, failing. I was so heartbroken and felt my body had failed this baby. The next morning when I woke up, I was forced to face the realization that the morning before I had been pregnant and that morning I was not. It was an empty feeling, one that no one else could feel for me. I realized I was part of a unique group of women who have been faced with this reality and for a moment I could feel the weight of so many women who have gone before me. The friends I had known, the babies lost, the heartache, it all seemed to be in this emotional box from which the lid had exploded. And I longed for a way to remember this precious life, my fig baby.